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Go on… I DARE You!

Yep! I remember from childhood being left by the school bus…. my mom was in her Pajamas… put me in the car and chased the bus… miss Avery! She got an earful… i just had to get on the bus after all that… Ironically funny it turned out later William (my brother) dated and really liked her daughter… i just know it’s random facts and funny jokes from our past that makes us such romantics! Fun loving beings that can say we were loved and still are loved deeply by family first! No matter our current, our families mean “roots” and drive us into many decisions. I have so many fond memories of childhood as well as the adventures of growing up as a stubborn teenager and now I’m still creating new experiences to enjoy my life as it is now.  Writing has always been an outlet. While I needed many outlets as a child, I am now finally as an adult creating those outlets. I care more about time, mainly quality time with those that I love and I care about much more than any bit of physical work that involves money because in those moments, money is so involved that at the end of the day, you wonder, how could I have spent my day otherwise. I just hope that my clients always love spending their time with me. I know while I always enjoy receiving their blessings of money,  I do also enjoy spending time getting to know each of them: As a person!

I dare you to get to know people for who they are truly on the inside without judgment!

Just be real

Just be real:

If you can’t be honest about who you are to yourself, how can you expect anybody else to believe you? What holds you from opening up into the world of possibilities where you can live your life free of fears and yes limitless?  When the world before you has told you and basically taught you that you have limits, boundaries that you cannot cross, who were those people or institutions, those controllers that are standing behind those bold words? As you’ve been told what to do and how to be, have you actually believed those people or was there always this constant inward pull of wanting your own voice to be heard? If you’re living your true self, and allowing the truest thoughts, words and actions to be what you live your life about, do you listen to your inner self, your soul, or do you listen to what everyone else has been telling you to be? I’ve met far too many people that live with such great fears that they don’t allow themselves to experience their own freedom in this world. It’s like we truly are in a constant unending slavery! Those that we love the most and are the closest to, our immediate family or coworkers even at times, unfortunately are the ones that we are afraid to know our truest self. Isn’t that a shame? Or is it from guilt? Well I personally believe that it was both that were taught as a child that you need to feel both of them emotions. To whose benefit? Not the child’s, that’s for sure.  However I will end on a good note! There are truly a rare few unique individuals that search within in order to live their life. Those are the few that I choose to spend the majority of my time with. I enjoy the freedom to just be me or to be quiet or to be happy or to be full of laughter or to be anything I want to be, because I love me and I am comfortable in my own skin and I am excepted just as i am! And those people are the true godsend. Angels here on earth per se. To me they are the few that have chosen to not take the easy path. Although it may be easy, it may not be right for you.  So don’t miss out on life, just be real!

Happy memorial day

It’s been two years this memorial day weekend for me. That time that I’m speaking of really is a beautiful memory because the whole process was remembered from the beginning to the end, as painfully tormenting it was at the moment.  Ever heard the saying, “I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck”?

On May 30 of 2016, I just went for a simple bike ride. Well it depends on what you have a definition for simple is. My definition sometimes means adventure, consistency, and a time to just escape while using all of my energy to ride. Sounds also like a description of or like a pretty fun relationship to me but unfortunately all of the partners that I have chosen so far do not share the same definition at all.  So here I go on my own once again. I had actually just been separated from a long-term relationship of almost 7 years. We decided we needed the space but had been communicating a little bit in between. I remember being down at the beach with my family and just feeling like I wanted to go for a nice joyride. I remember leaving the driveway knowing that my parents were actually going to go take a ride to the bike shop across the bridge. I had no plans of where I was going to go, I just had plans that I was going to ride for a while. As I left the driveway, a family friend had just yelled out to me what was supposed to be a funny. “Looking pretty awesome in that helmet there Mel”. Yeah everybody thinks about bike helmets and some people think they’re safe while others just think they look really funny. Being vain some people just don’t wear them because they don’t like the way that they look on them. Well luckily for me I had surpassed that vanity. I actually wore a helmet every time I rode because I knew that it was the smartest thing to do. Leaving the driveway down the road outside of the neighborhood of the mobile park, I took the side road out to the main road instead of hitting all the traffic. From there you can look to your right and you can see the big high-rise bridge. Well I’ve already rode on my bike across that bridge several times, so it wasn’t going to be any more worrisome for me. It wasn’t very windy at all. It was a bit warm for me but at the same time it was definitely bearable. So off I went across the bridge onto the island and enjoyed my ride all the way down Coast Guard Road. From there I decided well it should be time to head back and maybe I’ll just go up to the bike shop and see my parents. I got there, sure enough they were there checking out the inner tubes, for my dads bike tire. Taking the time to browse around the shop, making conversation with my family, we all were leaving and I remember my dad saying, sweetie put your bike in the back of the truck, I’ll be glad to give you a ride home.  Well being me, no thank you but I do appreciate it. I’m just going to take a ride around for a bit longer and I’ll be home shortly. So they left in the truck & headed home. I went to the right and decided to just keep on riding around the island a bit longer as it is such a fun ride around Emerald Isle. Probably about 30 minutes later I decided well maybe I should get home soon and I’m starting to get really thirsty and it’s not like I have any money on me at the moment as i didn’t bring my wallet. So I started back and crossed the bridge. Traffic not looking too bad on the oncoming side, I went on head and started my way over to the left of the bridge at the end of the road and crossed with no traffic ahead and got on the road that heads towards Swansboro. The simplest of the travels ended up being the hardest point to cross. I waited patiently for the light to turn red. This meant that the ongoing traffic had to stop on both sides of the highway. When it turned red I immediately took off across the road to head straight onto old 50 right near the BB&T.  There was no button to push for a pedestrian or bike rider so I had to take my chances but feeling pretty confident that since the light had just turned red I have a little bit of time to get to the other side. I guess my bike tires weren’t heavy enough to pick up on any type of weight that may say hey lights, take your time, there’s  still someone crossing the road.   So in the middle of crossing the light turned green. The truck that was literally in the left ongoing traffic lane closest to me took off. Knowing I didn’t have much time I slammed on brakes. I was going at a pretty good speed so when I slammed on brakes, it also threw me off the bike. My nerves were shot. My heart was beating so fast. And I’m pretty sure that my mouth went completely dry. I remember The moment later when I found myself laying flat on my back with my head luckily far enough away from the tire as it rolled over my lower abdomen and across the upper left part of my rib cage. I don’t know what kind of breath I had at the moment but it must’ve been one that was so full that I literally survived a full breath of air being taken away from my body. I was left on the road and in  the first thought that came into my mind was oh crap, this is irreversible. Oh my god. I can’t hardly breathe. I tried to roll over and I felt my body collapse as I had no strength. It felt as if my knees  were permanently stuck to my stomach. I could not straighten my legs. An ambulance showed up and people surrounded me and asked me all kinds of questions from what is my name do you have parents, do you have a number we can call, what is your birthday, do you remember what happened, ect. Overwhelmed by it all but still remembering my mom and my dad’s number and trying to tell them each one, thankfully it came out of my mouth while grasping for every breath of air in between each word.  At some point finally I remember an emergency crew showing up and moving me onto a stretcher and quickly put me into an ambulance. From there I became in so much pain because my legs had to be straight to some extent. It felt like blood was just bubbling up within my stomach. And I could not breathe. I was in so much pain that I just kept begging for them to give me something. I remember the paramedic finally calling the doctor and they got disconnected once but then finally got a prescription to give me quickly a dose of morphine. It helped a lot because at some point I remember being loaded onto a helicopter but I also remember talking to my parents quickly in between.  Them both telling me that they love me and I said I’m so sorry that I went for a ride. They quickly said don’t be sorry everything’s gonna be OK. We love you. My dad tried to blame himself for really not putting me in his truck and loading my bike in the back but he also knows that I am stubborn and I have free choice and I chose to ride my bike home. Finally landing from the helicopter ride, I remember telling the crew that was with me to please tell the pilot that he did a mighty fine job. I remember them laughing and saying we will do that ma’am. They rolled me into the hospital and quickly into a surgery room where I remember meeting the surgeon. Name is Claudia. I cannot remember her last name at the moment but have pictures and recorded memories to resort to. She quickly told me that I was going to hear a lot of vocabulary and words used that I may not understand but not to worry because she was a good doctor and she would take care of me and that I would be OK.  I don’t remember anything after that except for waking up in a room with the catheter, and epidural, and a bunch of stitches from my sternum to my lower abdominal area close to my pelvis. So the first nurse that came in the room, got me asking where is the baby? I heard a few chuckles, but Under controlled drugs, I was in rare form that kept me from a great bit of pain, but it was just the beginning of recovery.

I have more to say but it will come soon. The rest of the story is yet to come.

 

Slight Change In Plans

Gotta love them fortune cookies that you receive after a Chinese take out order that first of all leaves me slightly over full. However it was pretty tasty at the moment.  Opening up the cookie, it reads “think for yourself or think for no one.” How ironic being that most people spend most of their time thinking for other people. Seems we’re all trying to change the world one person at a time instead of looking directly into the mirror. I guess it’s always harder to face the facts and the truth from within. It’s a lot easier to tell someone else how to live their life or what would make it better. Problem is ,is that a lot of people are not actually making another persons life better. Instead they are trying to form them into what would be more comfortable for them self. I feel like we can support people and motivate them to do what their heart desires, but that’s about where it ends. Only they can make those changes happen. So I caught myself thinking about just that. What have I’ve been thinking and feeling myself? I’ve been dating someone now on the weekends for about six months. I met them online and it has been a very fun and adventurous time spent. Although it does get tiresome to drive back-and-forth or to switch turns driving back-and-forth on and off every weekend, shouldn’t it seem like less work or less tiresome if the person that you’re spending the time with is like a breath of fresh air after a long hard work week? What makes it even harder is that I still have family and friends that I want to spend my time with. Compromising and trying to share equal time with each person has been a challenge. There’s always something going on or something to do personally as well. When do I get time to check in with myself? It was after I’ve felt my energy drain and I felt a slight bit of frustration thinking about the time and the energy and my own personal thoughts towards a relationship. I personally believe that when you dive into a relationship with someone for however long it may last or if it turns into a forever love, there is a lot of give-and-take & there definitely has to be learning along the way that helps the relationship grow. A lot of times people can survive a relationship if they are in the same book. Being in the same Chapter would be helpful but being on the same page would be ideal. I’ve come to a point where I feel like maybe we’re in the same book but yet we are in totally different chapters of life. Trying to communicate about something when I see blue and they see red, is pretty pointless. I used to be one that would just stay in it and try to fix it and try to make it work by adapting my own self to the changes regardless of the other person. Now I’m starting to realize how important my own moral compass & boundaries are as well as my feelings about my own needs. I’m not a selfish person. I feel that I give a lot more than I expect in return however I do have certain expectations. Well the beginning of the whole slight of change was when I heard that they had  Applied at a few jobs in a state that is completely on the other side of the country. Well not only thinking about the possibility of their change of location, they also want a baby. Mind you this is a same-sex relationship I am referring to. I still stand on some of the same characteristics of what a traditional relationship would look like and how it could work. There is a love there that has no identity of male or female. It’s just simply love. But I do have a realistic thought process when it comes to cultivating and maintaining a strong foundation in any relationship. I am completely comfortable in my skin. I have been out to my family and loved ones and close friends for many years now. It wasn’t easy at all for me. It was a big challenge and a lot of times I would cry and feel very alone in that process while just trying to be heard and accepted in my natural state of being human! I’ve been through a pretty intense long-term relationship that lasted almost 8 years. I was constantly torn between her and my family. They didn’t get along and even when they pretended to get along, they had pinned up resentment and as far as I could could see jealousy and hate! That was so stressful that I had to finally get out. I was physically and emotionally hurting and it was starting to show in a lot of areas of my life. I can say that I’ve grown from learning to love myself and respect my boundaries and I’m trying to maintain those boundaries while accepting a new person into my life. She’s someone who really does brighten up the day. I love many things about her and could go on and on expressing all of that. I feel that I tell her that often even when I don’t get very much in return. I started thinking,  is something wrong with me but then I realized no it’s not personal it’s just how she communicates love. It’s just different from me. But is different OK when it is just too different? I still have needs. I think she is a wonderful and fun loving person to be with. Her heart is very sensitive and she cares about other people & atleast cares a lot About what other people think of her. It’s to the point where I feel like she actually comfortably accepts her whole life being based on what other people expect or think of her. That actually makes me sad for her. Knowing that once I was there doing the same thing. I would never want to call her inconsiderate however there have been times where she may not keep her word or commitment. If She’s tired or doesn’t feel like doing something even if she’s made a commitment, she’ll just change it. This bothers me because there seems to be no remorse at all or respect given to those that were more than able to be there or commit on the other end even if it was an obligation. Being at the age of  35, I know it’s hard to think about the possibilities of waiting much longer to have a child.  Knowing that the child was something that she had in mind, it was in her created blueprint of desires in her life long before me, still just leaves me in a fresh and new relationship wondering where in the world do I fit into this equation. I’m still the secret remember?It’s just confusing that not only does she want to have a baby(GIRL) very soon and she wants to move, it’s like she thinks I’m just supposed to accept that and adapt to the changes like a ride along or die relationship. The biggest problem is that her family knows nothing about me. I am the dark little secret hidden in the corner that only shines light when we are alone Maybe the occasional peck on the cheek or slight touch of hands happen in a car riding down the road in my own hometown. Heaven for bid someone in her hometown would see her with another woman and start thinking oh they must be together. She has a high standing occupation. But even in her occupation, why worry about what other people think about who you love and how you spend your time and your own bedroom? Who even asked that question anyways?  For even straight couples, I don’t want to know what you’re doing behind those closed doors. I don’t care what you do. So don’t worry about what I’m doing. Or who I love or how I want to spend my life. My life is my choice. That’s what frustrates me because this relationship seems very one sided in that way. It’s a good thing we both look feminine. That covers that part up for her sake Based on society’s stereotypical views. Just leaves me feeling like she’s ashamed of who I am with her even though deep down I know that I am not a problem. It’s just the way she feels about her own self and what other people may think. There are just some things that are just not adding up to me. How am I someone that she loves and she finds important in her life that wants me a part of her process, when she’s making all these plans without even considering me? I’ve tried to talk about it but the conversation seems to just go in cycles of misunderstandings. I have not been blaming or pointing fingers as best as I can, I have been trying to let her know how I feel and how all of this affects me. I’m not one to give up easily, however when my needs are not being met and I feel that the deeper emotional components that make a relationship stronger is just not there, I cannot continue to do this on my own. It does take two in a relationship. A friend sent me a quote and it made perfect sense. No relationship is 50-50. Sometimes your partner is going to have a bad day and you have to pick up the 80-20.  Well minus her having to drive here a little bit more often because I have had things come up in my own personal life that leaves me staying here she has always been welcomed and she could easily join in but the drive to her is her way of saying she pursues me normally…But lately it’s just been too much. I will give it that she lives almost 2 1/2 hours away from family and does not have a lot of close friends in her own community, it makes it even harder for her to spread her time out as well. I can make sense of her being tired too in my mind again but if the tables were turned, I know that if I wanted to be there I would. I would help her and I would sacrifice having to drive a few extra weekends to spend time with her and to be around her family and friends. This is the difference between being open and honest and being able to say this is who I am no matter what. It’s not like that for her.  Feeling like you spend a lot of time and energy and effort on trying to see where to take a relationship seems impossible when the other person is not really emotionally vulnerable and there for you. So unfortunately in my slight change of plans, I have decided that I need to take care of me once again. I know I’ve been thinking a lot about how I could make her life better or atleast accentuate it in a positive but I can’t change it. Only she can learn what she needs and wants and I have to learn how to let go. I just don’t want to end anything on bad terms. I do love her and I care for her deeply. I’m pulling for her and for her happiness. I truly hope she finds her way!

via Daily Prompt: Slight

The Golden Girls

How many times have you ever watched the Golden girls? Have you ever been in a bad state of mind & needed something to watch? Going to the Golden girls is always a good one. Everybody needs a friend. We’ve all traveled down the road and back again. You find your pals in& with  your confidants…But if you ever had a party and invited everybody you knew, who would show up? Where are you right now in your life with your friends, your community, do you love your job? If you’re not happy right now, I recommend watching the Golden girls as a prerequisite to thinking about the rest of your life. May sound silly but you will then start to think about things on a different level. We will all be babies at one point and then we turn into the rest of life as toddlers, teens, eventually adults but at what point are we actually adults? You can refer back to labels and chaos and wonder how are we given the label adult as who needs to understand at what point of life we are actually at? I don’t even read the Bible on a regular but one thing I do remember about it is it at one point we are told to be like babes. We were told to be like the child like mindset so that we can continue to learn as innocent. I think as adults we become less innocent because we think we are no longer able to be like children. The only thing I can recommend at this point if you’re reading this far and wondering how to be less like an adult and more like a child but in the adult form, start to think about what you actually want in life. Stop thinking about what everybody else wants for you. Then you will be able to form the life that you actually want once again. Enjoy life, take in every breath make the best of it. They say we only have one life, I don’t really know if that’s true but at each point in life we are learning something new. And we are able because of our free spirit to form exactly what we want in our next life if we’re not quite there yet. So start now! Enjoy life always. Make it better than it was as you remember it. It’s at this point that you will then start to begin to wonder what this life was created for to begin with! Make it better human friends!

Labels & Chaos

This is definitely going to be controversial read.  It’s going to be a bit random and jump around a bit.  If you dare to follow along, I’m curious how you may feel about these topics or choice of words.

How functional would the world be if we had no labels?  Would we still know what something was in order to buy into it or pay for it or to accept or not accept it? What would our alternative way of looking at something or someone be if they weren’t labeled?  Example, what if there were no such thing as the word label, and therefore, say a woman who was interested in another woman just because their energies matched, would you still call her a homosexual?  The label and definition is definitely limiting and puts a person into a box that if something were to evolve, change later, the label would stick. In alot of Christian’s minds, homosexual is a dirty, perverted, label that they definitly believe shouldn’t be condoned and therefore they may even give up their own natural feeling about it, just to stay in the status quo of the church or to be accepted…atleast that was my experience growing up for a long time.  I had fear put in me by my parents that I was going to hell and that I was a major sinner if I choose to live this way. I find it likely that labels are created because it is for other’s needs to have labels mainly because the word “label” was put into our vocabulary at birth, not so much the person being labeled’s benefit.

On another side note, why does there need to be 14 different kinds of bananas, strawberries, tomato pastes?  Is it because of money or true love for a different label of a kind of fruit and yet we from ancient times have heard that homosexuals were labeled fruitcakes? What a coincidence. Why do some people believe that being interested in the same sex is wrong?  If you like fruit and cake, don’t call them fruitcakes, bc it is very much a doublestandard!  I am also passionate about love.  No matter the person, gender or which kind of fruit? Or what flavor of cake?  Can you guess if I’m someone that appreciates labels?  Or have you sensed that they are overrated and irrelevant based on how I personally want to treat or think of a person or situation.  I prefer no labels.  Humans are all different, thankfully so!  We share one thing in common, emotions.  Some would label some as narcissist or emo path , based on how many times their emotions were shared or socially accepted.  Which brings me to a whole new label, average, normal, socially acceptable.  And who exactly created the the right to only really accept the average, normal or status quo?  And if they did, didn’t they also created the ones on the outside of that spectrum as well?  It’s the way the system is set up.  Seems it tries to serve as to balance out, maintain, or create and destroy. Was it our government?  Was it us a people…a whole?  Was it a select few that felt the need to govern and control for their own benefit?  How are they labeled?  Legal, political, select few, the wolves as far as I’m concerned that created the idea and then the labels of religion and laws that have ingeniously maintained a status of control.  The sheep are led blindly with a rod and wrath(staff) as to comfort and as to obey every law, label, route in order to make sure the average, status quo, normal are under control.  All the ones that test the system, act out from environmental, genetic, or chemical changes have now been labeled and put into categories and mostly kept separate in some form or fashion away from the “norm”! Some are even killed!  The root of all of the above?  Money! Power! Religion!   Everything in this world besides unconditional love involves all the above because money, power & religion is needed in order to continue the cycle.

So…How do you act like your label?  Ever thought about it?  Because as a woman, I prefer another woman as someone to spend the most of my time on earth with, I’m labeled a lesbian.  To who’s benefit is that? What am I supposed to act like, look like, in order to meet the label?  What if I am nothing like the labeled definition at all?  Why can’t we just be called humans and we either get along, become productive, originally creative individuals that have no labels, but yet a soul and emotions that can help make this world a better place? Just because I love my girlfriend doesn’t mean that I’m against populating or raising a family or perhaps I am not for it but really have no opinion.  I mean isn’t the world kinda already overly populated?  I guess that’s my opinion, oops, I said I have no opinion. That doesn’t mean I don’t see the benefit and absolute joy from creating a family or raising another child.  I just think that if we were to really evaluate why we want to do that first, then maybe our intentions would be more pure and therefore, the child will ultimately have a better chance from the start of having a happy and productive life.  I started out this whole talk with the category of labels.  I find it to be ultimately unnecessary and possibly limiting to have labels. I mean if you take the label off of every can of produce at the market, people may go crazy for a while, or they may just figure out how to decrease the amounts needed. Seems we live in a world where we think their wouldn’t be enough if we didn’t have money…I disagree completely because of it’s root and reason for being created in the first place. There is alot more I could go into regarding money and what it has been a tool for really!  I think the world can definitely survive without them.  One change at a time, one talk at a time, will do.  Good day human friends!

“We’re running into a lot of new problems today because of what we emphasize in this culture. The word ‘success’ to the average person means earning a lot of money and having a home, two cars, children in college. Success to me is entirely different to what success is to the average person. Success is being a successful human being in terms of pursuing what you believe in. If you believe in making paintings, writing poetry, writing music. If this is what you really want, you’re successful to yourself. But to be successful to your culture means to sell yourself short of what you really want”  Jacque FrescoPlaceholder Image