For far too long, allowing myself to fall into patterns of behaviors with indiscretion has now led me to this exact moment. Becoming more aware of what I want in this short lifetime verses what has held me back comes from the same powerful source, my thoughts. Pinpointing these negative traits in my life has also been a useful practice, not to focus on them so harshly but rather to know what I don’t want as well. For the past year, I’ve been saying how badly I want to get into better shape not only physically but mentally. My brain surprisingly holds onto every bit of energy it takes to get through a work day working hands on with people. At the end of the day, feeling drained has been a nice way to describe this feeling I’ve had for far too long. I need some distraction, a glorious release as Sarah McLachlan sings it best to let certain behaviors go and embrace things that give me peace and a self loving spirit. I desire to feel amazing instead of feeling drained and in a fog all day usually from the night before of drinking until I’m ready to pass out, only to wake up feeling less than desire to get out of bed. I want to have things to look forward to in the day and have the energy to actually get involved in my community more to enjoy what resources I have right here in my own town. Recognizing my fears that hold me back has been one of the most helpful things I could have ever done for myself. I’m still struggling some days with the proper responses to certain fears and in the ways I engage my mental processes to actually build myself up instead of feeling helpless and broken.
Truth is, I’m not broken or helpless until I make myself feel that way. The feelings of not being enough, or constantly worrying that someone won’t love me for who I am has haunted me for a while. Being a lesbian in a town with a limited amount of like minded people who either are also lesbians themselves or at least understand the feelings and level of confidence it takes to truly be who I am is a challenge.