Finding My WHY

For far too long, allowing myself to fall into patterns of behaviors with indiscretion has now led me to this exact moment.  Becoming more aware of what I want in this short lifetime verses what has held me back comes from the same powerful source, my thoughts. Pinpointing these negative traits in my life has also been a useful practice, not to focus on them so harshly but rather to know what I don’t want as well.  For the past year, I’ve been saying how badly I want to get into better shape not only physically but mentally.  My brain surprisingly holds onto every bit of energy it takes to get through a work day working hands on with people.  At the end of the day, feeling drained has been a nice way to describe this feeling I’ve had for far too long.  I need some distraction, a glorious release as Sarah McLachlan sings it best to let certain behaviors go and embrace things that give me peace and a self loving spirit.  I desire to feel amazing instead of feeling drained and in a fog all day usually from the night before of drinking until I’m ready to pass out, only to wake up feeling less than desire to get out of bed.  I want to have things to look forward to in the day and have the energy to actually get involved in my community more to enjoy what resources I have right here in my own town. Recognizing my fears that hold me back has been one of the most helpful things I could have ever done for myself. I’m still struggling some days with the proper responses to certain fears and in the ways I engage my mental processes to actually build myself up instead of feeling helpless and broken.

Truth is, I’m not broken or helpless until I make myself feel that way.  The feelings of not being enough, or constantly worrying that someone won’t love me for who I am has haunted me for a while.  Being a lesbian in a town with a limited amount of like minded people who either are also lesbians themselves or at least understand the feelings and level of confidence it takes to truly be who I am is a challenge.

Re-Search=Humankind

Are we a research?

There are many different questions and beliefs & opinions on why we are here and ultimately I’ve been told my whole life that the Bible told us everything as a tool to join in on the re- search from within. As from the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and then he went forward to create everything else that he needed. So does God need us? I believe God does.

Yet I believe that he needed us to fulfill some type of prophecy or research. As far as the Bible teaches, in the beginning God created Adam and Eve, and yes he created Steve too…and tested them. To me God created curiosity:

Simply because if you tell any child not to do something, their first response is to wonder why! And we’re told not to question God but yet how else can you cultivate a relationship with anyone without questions.

Sometimes since men are told what to do and they typically listen Because a lot of them were taught to not even have a lot of emotion. They were just taught how to work hard and make a career and build a family and keep doing it. Not all of them do, then There are some that make a lot of time for their family and they care for them deeply and that’s why they do it with lots of emotions. Women have had A big role too & out of pure curiosity all their lives so yeah so what if she went and told Adam it’s OK to taste the fruit of knowledge? Then they became fruitful and sexual & realized what the rest the world was about. God created everything right?So we too through God created all the differences between us as well as the government and the way that our world has been divided, it was all created by God. And it has become pure chaos not because the devil has been let loose altogether, it’s because he who has lived, now, read that backwards when you get to the “lived”  part was also apart of (a part)of the devil. I really do believe that in some sort of way we are here for a purpose that God has needed in order to reach some other understanding of what is yet to come. 

So no I don’t believe that any race or sexual preference or divine marriage has ever been a mistake. I simply believe that we all have our own free will that God gave us. And in order to live through it all we must except what we cannot control and yet except that we are here and that we have to make the very best of how to live amongst other people. And we don’t have to sacrifice our own individuality just to make that happen. 

So again, why are we here? What is the purpose? Beyond just what the Bible says?

A funny GOLF story

Here’s a toke to one of my favorite folk:

Life is like this game that we’re playing. Some people would call it golf …..Go.On.Life Flows! And while for some of those people that don’t like GOLF they’re still good people I suppose. But playing the game is real, it’s a self discipline and with others you don’t have to deal. You can play with some of your favorite people and it magnifies the game but it’s not one of those competitive sports, it’s all about what score is under your name. So it’s more about self discipline not so much competition that keeps your life in order, because if you were only worried about beating everyone else you’d still be on the border.  I will have to say at the end of Friday we may take a toke, however I need to be able to drive so that my license doesn’t get revoked. LOL I love you peeps, golfers, nongolfers, you’re ok too! Enjoy life much, have a good night, see you soon.

Depths

Don’t judge me on my depth: i just like going into depth! 😂 Because I like poetry, art, writing, letting out all forms of feelings basically, I have some food for thought:
If you were a tree and you were to take a serious look at all of your branches that help you make up that tree, when would you cut all the pieces that no longer serve you? What makes you hold onto them? For some it could be jobs, for some it could be relationships, for some it could be old patterns or behaviors that are destructive, for me at some point all of these have been a part of my tree. I’m still learning how to let go of the parts of me that aren’t really living. If things are still in a bad way, stagnant, just simply doesn’t feel good, let it go. It’ll find its place and you were not responsible for that. You are only responsible for your tree. All of those things were put into your life for a reason and it is to learn from them, eventually the leaves change. Some will stay with you and live through it all, some will die and they need to go. So I just say let what needs to be….. be!

No Fear

I was told once that False. Evidence. Appearing. Real. was the TRUE definition of FEAR! It’s letting out what you want everyone else to think or know about you but hiding all the truth that lies/lyes within you. I now believe it!!! If we all could live our life a little bit more open to who we are and accepting who we are, then fear isn’t as present and things become a lot more clear. Self confidence & less to hide…. And having those few friends that you may can count on one hand that you can talk to makes a world of difference. I don’t have it all figured out and I definitely have a long ways to go. I never said I was perfect. I’m far from it. You can ask my mom & dad Because I could never hide anything from them and when I finally figured out that I couldn’t I finally told them everything and continue to tell them everything and it feels so much better. Because I am now able to just be me bc of the ones that I love and are closest to me. It’s still hard at times because I’m human and I have my own perspective and feelings about life but I don’t ever have to worry about who I am not being honest with because family is the root of it all. From there, finally I can grow….:And I’m so thankful that they have loved me and supported me and pushed me to be who I am every step of the way. Thank you mom and dad! I’m continuously learning a lot along the way from myself and other people. This is the main purpose of life. The rest is just details that we fill in along the way and has more to do with money than anything of purity from the outcome of who we truly are!

My dog talks too

Now a note from Harley 

on a funny note:

 I’ve learned a lot from my dog actually. 

From the time that I got her after I had just lost another golden retriever named Marley,named after the artist Bob Marley,  he was such a chill and amazing dog who loved to chase tennis balls, swim in the water, ride in the car and be with me and mostly LOVED/LIVED to be 5 yrs old. About eight months after im guessing, it was a sad time for me still and yet a sad time for another Lady who had a golden retriever that was moving and couldn’t take her with her. 

Harley needed love and attention too and I’m so glad that someone in between reached out and connected us. We didn’t know each other but yet the person in between knew two people that knew dogs & knew someone that would love them.

 I love that about dog people! 

So you know: 

we communicate by words but with dogs, they communicate by (a noise that can be loud or bitchy/i mean PITCHY and we don’t always like the way it sounds so we call it)”barking” Well not only does my dog love to bark but she loves to take what we call wood or bark from the wood and she likes to chew it up into small pieces. So when I’m making a fire or am trying to build a wood pile, she’s constantly taking the pieces of wood that are small and she just chews them up into small pieces. 

Hey for me it makes it easier for keeping the fire lit so I don’t complain…. 

However when I actually watched her do it and I think about the word bark and how she communicates, she’s just breaking things up into small pieces. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Even when she’s taking her food from her bowl and literally stringing it across the carpet in order to eat it and it makes me a little bit uncomfortable,  for her she just needs to see it before she eats it. I get it. Sometimes you need to see things in small bits before you can actually comprehend what you’re about to do. 

So….. my dog Harley told me: 

 to think a lot….and sometimes break things down and then just execute it. It’s pretty simple. Be loving, be loyal, and do what you love. That’s what my dog taught me. The rest will follow!

Alone?

 

Alone? 

Yes I live alone. There are sometimes that I feel lonely. Who doesn’t at times? For the most part though I am surrounded by people. I visit my grandmother who is 95 and I love her dearly and I choose to spend Wednesdays from 2 to 8 with her for free. I show up to a job every day well as long as I have clients but mostly every day. I listen to my clients and I get to know them as a person. I show up to commitments that I make. And I learned to cut out those that I don’t need. I talk to friends on the phone almost daily. I visit my family pretty often. We are close. I play golf at least once to two times a month with some awesome ladies that also enjoy the sport and discipline. I care about people. These are all some of the reasons why I write. I truly love people in my life and I want to share. I’m a SHARER and very emotional & I’m no longer ashamed of it.. I’m a writer. I’m an in my head serious person but yet knows how to laugh and how to have a good time. I like being ignorant to a lot of the news. I like being ignorant to all the negative energy in the world and I choose the positive because it helps me grow. I honestly just don’t care what people think anymore because what people think is not important to me. That source of love and energy that gives me hope and faith is what is important to me. It always has been, it’s just that sometimes it’s hard to deal with the world that has a lot of negative energy that continues to hold you back from what you were truly here for. To be limitless and full of love and to have a purpose that is constantly changing to make you a better person. So am I alone? I don’t know….am I?