Slight Change In Plans

Gotta love them fortune cookies that you receive after a Chinese take out order that first of all leaves me slightly over full. However it was pretty tasty at the moment.  Opening up the cookie, it reads “think for yourself or think for no one.” How ironic being that most people spend most of their time thinking for other people. Seems we’re all trying to change the world one person at a time instead of looking directly into the mirror. I guess it’s always harder to face the facts and the truth from within. It’s a lot easier to tell someone else how to live their life or what would make it better. Problem is ,is that a lot of people are not actually making another persons life better. Instead they are trying to form them into what would be more comfortable for them self. I feel like we can support people and motivate them to do what their heart desires, but that’s about where it ends. Only they can make those changes happen. So I caught myself thinking about just that. What have I’ve been thinking and feeling myself? I’ve been dating someone now on the weekends for about six months. I met them online and it has been a very fun and adventurous time spent. Although it does get tiresome to drive back-and-forth or to switch turns driving back-and-forth on and off every weekend, shouldn’t it seem like less work or less tiresome if the person that you’re spending the time with is like a breath of fresh air after a long hard work week? What makes it even harder is that I still have family and friends that I want to spend my time with. Compromising and trying to share equal time with each person has been a challenge. There’s always something going on or something to do personally as well. When do I get time to check in with myself? It was after I’ve felt my energy drain and I felt a slight bit of frustration thinking about the time and the energy and my own personal thoughts towards a relationship. I personally believe that when you dive into a relationship with someone for however long it may last or if it turns into a forever love, there is a lot of give-and-take & there definitely has to be learning along the way that helps the relationship grow. A lot of times people can survive a relationship if they are in the same book. Being in the same Chapter would be helpful but being on the same page would be ideal. I’ve come to a point where I feel like maybe we’re in the same book but yet we are in totally different chapters of life. Trying to communicate about something when I see blue and they see red, is pretty pointless. I used to be one that would just stay in it and try to fix it and try to make it work by adapting my own self to the changes regardless of the other person. Now I’m starting to realize how important my own moral compass & boundaries are as well as my feelings about my own needs. I’m not a selfish person. I feel that I give a lot more than I expect in return however I do have certain expectations. Well the beginning of the whole slight of change was when I heard that they had  Applied at a few jobs in a state that is completely on the other side of the country. Well not only thinking about the possibility of their change of location, they also want a baby. Mind you this is a same-sex relationship I am referring to. I still stand on some of the same characteristics of what a traditional relationship would look like and how it could work. There is a love there that has no identity of male or female. It’s just simply love. But I do have a realistic thought process when it comes to cultivating and maintaining a strong foundation in any relationship. I am completely comfortable in my skin. I have been out to my family and loved ones and close friends for many years now. It wasn’t easy at all for me. It was a big challenge and a lot of times I would cry and feel very alone in that process while just trying to be heard and accepted in my natural state of being human! I’ve been through a pretty intense long-term relationship that lasted almost 8 years. I was constantly torn between her and my family. They didn’t get along and even when they pretended to get along, they had pinned up resentment and as far as I could could see jealousy and hate! That was so stressful that I had to finally get out. I was physically and emotionally hurting and it was starting to show in a lot of areas of my life. I can say that I’ve grown from learning to love myself and respect my boundaries and I’m trying to maintain those boundaries while accepting a new person into my life. She’s someone who really does brighten up the day. I love many things about her and could go on and on expressing all of that. I feel that I tell her that often even when I don’t get very much in return. I started thinking,  is something wrong with me but then I realized no it’s not personal it’s just how she communicates love. It’s just different from me. But is different OK when it is just too different? I still have needs. I think she is a wonderful and fun loving person to be with. Her heart is very sensitive and she cares about other people & atleast cares a lot About what other people think of her. It’s to the point where I feel like she actually comfortably accepts her whole life being based on what other people expect or think of her. That actually makes me sad for her. Knowing that once I was there doing the same thing. I would never want to call her inconsiderate however there have been times where she may not keep her word or commitment. If She’s tired or doesn’t feel like doing something even if she’s made a commitment, she’ll just change it. This bothers me because there seems to be no remorse at all or respect given to those that were more than able to be there or commit on the other end even if it was an obligation. Being at the age of  35, I know it’s hard to think about the possibilities of waiting much longer to have a child.  Knowing that the child was something that she had in mind, it was in her created blueprint of desires in her life long before me, still just leaves me in a fresh and new relationship wondering where in the world do I fit into this equation. I’m still the secret remember?It’s just confusing that not only does she want to have a baby(GIRL) very soon and she wants to move, it’s like she thinks I’m just supposed to accept that and adapt to the changes like a ride along or die relationship. The biggest problem is that her family knows nothing about me. I am the dark little secret hidden in the corner that only shines light when we are alone Maybe the occasional peck on the cheek or slight touch of hands happen in a car riding down the road in my own hometown. Heaven for bid someone in her hometown would see her with another woman and start thinking oh they must be together. She has a high standing occupation. But even in her occupation, why worry about what other people think about who you love and how you spend your time and your own bedroom? Who even asked that question anyways?  For even straight couples, I don’t want to know what you’re doing behind those closed doors. I don’t care what you do. So don’t worry about what I’m doing. Or who I love or how I want to spend my life. My life is my choice. That’s what frustrates me because this relationship seems very one sided in that way. It’s a good thing we both look feminine. That covers that part up for her sake Based on society’s stereotypical views. Just leaves me feeling like she’s ashamed of who I am with her even though deep down I know that I am not a problem. It’s just the way she feels about her own self and what other people may think. There are just some things that are just not adding up to me. How am I someone that she loves and she finds important in her life that wants me a part of her process, when she’s making all these plans without even considering me? I’ve tried to talk about it but the conversation seems to just go in cycles of misunderstandings. I have not been blaming or pointing fingers as best as I can, I have been trying to let her know how I feel and how all of this affects me. I’m not one to give up easily, however when my needs are not being met and I feel that the deeper emotional components that make a relationship stronger is just not there, I cannot continue to do this on my own. It does take two in a relationship. A friend sent me a quote and it made perfect sense. No relationship is 50-50. Sometimes your partner is going to have a bad day and you have to pick up the 80-20.  Well minus her having to drive here a little bit more often because I have had things come up in my own personal life that leaves me staying here she has always been welcomed and she could easily join in but the drive to her is her way of saying she pursues me normally…But lately it’s just been too much. I will give it that she lives almost 2 1/2 hours away from family and does not have a lot of close friends in her own community, it makes it even harder for her to spread her time out as well. I can make sense of her being tired too in my mind again but if the tables were turned, I know that if I wanted to be there I would. I would help her and I would sacrifice having to drive a few extra weekends to spend time with her and to be around her family and friends. This is the difference between being open and honest and being able to say this is who I am no matter what. It’s not like that for her.  Feeling like you spend a lot of time and energy and effort on trying to see where to take a relationship seems impossible when the other person is not really emotionally vulnerable and there for you. So unfortunately in my slight change of plans, I have decided that I need to take care of me once again. I know I’ve been thinking a lot about how I could make her life better or atleast accentuate it in a positive but I can’t change it. Only she can learn what she needs and wants and I have to learn how to let go. I just don’t want to end anything on bad terms. I do love her and I care for her deeply. I’m pulling for her and for her happiness. I truly hope she finds her way!

via Daily Prompt: Slight

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